by Jackie Potts
In a drug-store aisle packed with colorful greeting cards, this one leaped out: “Your butt does NOT look fat.” I grabbed the last card and desperately rifled the shelves for more (drats, no luck).
Clearly, this card writer has mastered The Secret of how to talk to women. And so can you, guys. (Even if you botched that whole Valentine’s Day thing.)
All you have to do is memorize that phrase and avoid saying the following five things to your crush, babe, honey or dummy. (In fact, scratch “dummy” off your list, that’s a ticking timebomb right there.)
According to a new poll of 500 lasses in that elite British journal, the Daily Mail, these are the top things not to say to a woman by percentage of votes, lightly translated from the Queen’s English to Queens, N.Y.
5. Will you need a hand parking that, luv? (11%) Need help parallel parking, honey?
4. Calm down, dear! (12%) Calm the eff down!
3. You look tired. (13%) (Ugh, no translation needed)
2. Yes, your bum looks big! (17%) Yes, your butt looks fat! (Yeegads, don’t even bother showing your face without a mea culpa frappuccino after uttering this one.)
1. When’s it due? (26%) How many months are you? (Just stop, drop and roll if you say this to a female who isn’t pregnant.)
So what should you say to an attractive human with girlie parts? “I’m fascinated by your mind,” “You know, I wouldn’t change a thing about you,” and “I got you this cupcake, because you’re awesome” are all pretty much bulletproof.
Got a phrase you like or don’t like? Share it here. And tune in later this month for our companion piece, “How to Get Along with Men.”
Jackie Potts is a blogger at MarketSmiths.com.